An appropriate song

"Leaving On A Jet Plane"

Performed by: Chantal Kreviazuk

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin', this early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say

...Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again

Oh, babe, I hate to go
And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Can the day get worse?

First thing in the morning, when my mom woke me up. She saw a bruise and proceeded to drill me about it. Its just a simple bruise, what's there to say? I get bruises all the time, from knocks, bumps, bites, scratches and yes pinchings....

Since I didn't sleep well the night before, I decided to go back to bed for 5 more mins and woke up 3 hours later. Not only am I late, I found to my dismay... that my phone died as well. A month old phone had to die on me. Like what the fuck?! So I had to look for my warranty card, which I found with ease. As I read the small prints, it required me to bring the stupid card along with my proof of purchase, aka receipt, when I bring it for repairs. WAH LAN EH!! Fucking warranty card not enough to prove I fucking bought the phone ah? SONINABEH ERICSSONOFABITCH....

So I went back to camp, found my receipt. As well as get some things I needed for interviews tomorrow. Then I realise... I got 2 interviews tomorrow and I have no idea what time one of them is to commence! So I got my clerk to help me check while I proceed to the bloody service points stated in the warranty card. Took a bus to Jurong Point and guess what? The KNN service point isn't there anymore!! CCB lah, you think play hide and seek ah? Pooh Bor! Never mind... sit down and eat lunch first before I die of hunger in Jurong Point. Go Macdonalds' and wait in queue. One more person before my turn.... This is the almost an exact replica of what I heard-

Lady : Hmm... I'm not sure what to have... can you recommend?

Counter staff: Huh?

Lady: What can you recommend I have? What's nice today? (WTF?! YOU THINK YOU AT SOME HIGH CLASS RESTORANT AH? ACT ATTAS IN MAC? I LECOMMEN MY ADDIDAS SHOE FOR YOU TO EAT LAH!)

Staff: Vould you like to try our nuggets? Its wery nice with the new dips... (obvious to readers the race of the staff serving her...)

Lady: Sounds nice but I don't think I want to have finger food today ( I don't think you would too, you fat ass bitch)

Staff: How bout our Extra Walue Meal? Add 40 cents more to change to twister fries.

Lady: Hmmm...I'm not sure. I don't think I can finish a whole meal by myself. ( You can finish the whole fucking restaurant by yourself if you wanted to...KNN la, hurry up can? There are famine struck kids like me standing behind you leh.)

Staff:.......(speechless at this point, obviously not well trained by Macdonalds' on the art of promoting products)

Lady: Ok, I'll take the MacChicken Value Meal then. (Yes!!! She ordered)

Staff: Upsize?

Lady: Yep... hmm hold on. I think I'll have the Big Mac Meal instead. Just give me the MacChicken Sandwich alone. (Nooooo.... She's ordering....)

Staff: Okay. I repeat your order..blah blah blah

Lady: Do I get to change to twister fries for free since I'm ordering something else? (JUST NOW ACT ATTAS, NOW BARGAINING LIKE AT PASAR MALAM!!! CCB! SI PUI EH! SIAM LAH! YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT I WANT TO EAT LEH!)

Staff: Sorli, I can't do that. (sweating profusely... maybe she's afraid the customer might get mad and roll over her)

Lady: OK then, I'll pay for the twister fries. (YES FINALLY)

So I ordered my Big Mac Meal...as my luck would have it. I have to wait for my Big Mac...stupid fat bitch took the last one. I took my fries and drink found a seat. Sat down, read book while eating... finish eating liao..eh? MY BIG MAC LEH?! I turned back and looked at the counter and didn't see any customers. SO BUSY CANNOT BRING MY FOOD TO ME AH?! I walked over to the counter, took my Big Mac then left the place...

Take bus to Toh Guan to find the blardi service centre. SIAN... my number was 1122... serving number was 1101.... agony agony. Wait and read book at the same time... Finished the book looked at time... wah biang eh... 1 hour plus liao still not my turn. At this point, my clerk sms me to tell me to call the chief clerk himself. How to call? The phone I'm holding now only left with sms capabilities! Then my own phone koyak liao... DING DONG!! 1122 flashes to proceed to counter 5. I took my little orange plastic bag and went over. Showed the guy what's the problem and lied to him that I'm flying overseas tomorrow and needed a phone urgently. Guy said the earliest is Saturday. I gave him the desperate look... Guy looks down back at phone and says he'll go check with the service crew ( I think I scared him with the look... So horrid meh? Ok no need to answer that...) At this point, second message comes in. " Call Chief Clerk now. He wants to tell you stuff about tomorrow. Urgent!) Siao liao... 祸不单行. The guy comes back with the phone in pieces. Tells me that its either software problems(minor) or hardware problems (major). DUH?! Then what? User problem ah? Then now he says the latest I can get the phone is on Monday. What? I thought you say Saturday? The 'experts' at the back obviously not sure what to do with it so wanted more time to deal with it.... No choice... I need to find a public phone quick. I took the service receipt from the guy and ran to IMM to make a call.

Appointment timing changed. Now both appointments clash... WAH BIANG!!!! Then need to get some stupid paper from boss in the morning and change appointment of the overseas briefing to Friday. SIAN SIAN SIAN SIAN. I wonder if things are going to be bad only for today or will last thru the week. Hope tonight nothing stupid happens...

Drug

I recently got a taste of a forbidden fruit. I got on a kind of high that put past experiences to shame. I learning more with every bite and I'm yearning more with every taste. I feel like Claudia in "Interview with a Vampire", eager for more of her maker's blood. I want some more.

Underneath it all

After some lengthy consideration, I've decided to upload a very very personal picture of me. It is extremely revealing and a few may find it revolting. Call me an exhibitionist or whatever. If there are people who can upload pictures of breasts to their blogs, I can upload this pic of mine.

Click only if you really want to see

Men in Blue

I have to reveal this... I'm not really fond of the police force in Singapore. Several small brushes with them when I was growing up really put me off policemen... Now they have to do something weird like this.

There were only 4 protestors... its only illegal if you have 5 without a permit. The commander obviously never learnt to count past three... And how are the 4 protestors a nuisance to public? By standing in silence and holding up their billboards? If that's the case, those teenagers who gather in groups holding posters and albums screaming out their idols' names should be arrested and sent to jail without trial...

And they were 'overdressed' for the 'occasion'... Shields? Batons? Siao ah! You want to whacked some middle aged unarmed civilians if they refuse to leave? Must be the uniform..... Its suppose to make you look smart...

Shedding

Later today, I shall be shedding away part of myself. The old must make way for the new. As with most changes, some form of pain will be involved. Whether the change will be for better or worse, I'm not exactly sure. Only time will tell of the consequences of such 'drastic and sudden' change on me. However good or bad, I hope in the end I can emerge in one piece. Then anyone who asks me about it, I'll just say," I survived it."

Diarrhoea

Note: The following blog entry has NOT been approved for

ALL AUDIENCE
by the disgusting blogging association of Xed

For the past 3 days, my digestive systems have been giving me problems. Well, its actually just one problem. And his name is Diarrhoea a.k.a Don (He's a very distant cousin of gonorrhea...I'm kidding). Not a well-liked fella I tell you. He's been screwing around with the waste disposal guys' schedule. He's a sabotage expert I tell you. Not only has the waste disposal guys been working overtime for nothing, Don has even managed to convince Mr Duatng to cut back on the water absorption intake by telling him I'm retaining excessive water! The nerve of that fella... Rec and Ana are extremely unhappy right now and are spamming the email systems with complaints. This has affected the brain department's ability to manage daily affairs conherently. Everyone's confused right now. Take senario 1 for example; the waste disposal guys have dispatched a shipment of waterlogged waste to Rec and Ana for clearance. Moments after everything has been completed and cleaned up, Don hacks the sirens and alarms to go off signalling that there's more shipments to be cleared.

This is not my first encounter with Don....he has done much worse before. I'm going to have to find Charcoal, otherwise called Carbie, to settle this. Carbie hasn't been on good terms with Don and he is almost as adept as (some say better than) Don in hacking. I don't want to come in contact with another piece of toilet paper again for at least 24 hours...

Strong Support

To those 'unsung' heroines who have helped in the recent disaster recovery, I'm glad to report that the 'rescue' mission went rather smoothly. Though the damage has already been done, it has been minimised with our efforts. I'd like to say a big Thank you to you all! It wouldn't be possible without you!

Superman...

I'm writing this with a splitting headache and Al and Molly is with me. My whole body is shaking violently as if I'm going to split apart right from the centre. Even my intestines are cramping up to join in the fun. My body is in a wreck because my mind is too.

I need to realise I'm no superhero. I'm not Superman. I always try to do so many things at one time. My feet refuses to stay on the ground. I'm only Clark Kent or Peter Parker. No matter how I try, I cannot be at more than one place at one time. This fact just doesn't seem to sink into, that stubborn piece of biological grey mash I call, my brain. If I can't even do one simple thing right, who the fuck am I to even try and accomplish more. I wish I can be like Tyler Durden beating the crap out of Jack whateverhislastnamewas. "Kaninabeichaocheebye lah William. Fucking pay attention can or not? One fine day you'll end up putting your gongcheebye tao underneath a cheebye tank and get us both fucking killed."

So William, trying too hard to be Mr Nice guy and being the most blur motherfucker of all time, gets his wimpy butt kicked in so hard by Xed, his brain will have problems which end is the rear.... Xed steps on Will's chest and spits into his sorryass face.

Time travel

I went back in time yesterday. Well, not literally. Yesterday, I went to Depot Road for an interview. I took a bus down from my place and alighted at Alexandra Road for a transfer. When I saw the bus approaching, I immediately picked up my pace and started to run towards the other bus stop. As I ran, things started to change around me. Even my clothes began to warp into from green to white. I was wearing my secondary school uniform again. I had on my back my old school bag that was heavy with a whole week worth of materials inside. I remembered this...I wanted to run faster for my NAPHA test so I resorted to running up the dreaded hill with a heavy load. It worked of course and I eventually got my gold award which I wanted. However, I suspected that it stunted my vertical growth. The bus came closer and I realised it was an unfamiliar number. Immediately the 'flashback' ended and I was violently jerked back into the present. It was a new bus from Bukit Merah towards Bishan, it didn't exist 10 years ago.

A while later, I got on a bus androde towards CMPB. Along the way, I saw the buildings of my secondary school. The school has moved to Jurong West for a few years already. What's left are only buildings standing in loneliness, lifeless without the kids, their paint peeling away from disrepair as the neighbourhood tore down the old buildings to make way for the new suburbia. When the bus passed the school, I had a glimpsed into the compound. For a brief moment, I could see my younger self running around with my classmates. I was always running...... running into mischiefs, running from classes, running from responsibilities, running away from growing up...... The nostalgia of my youth, the memories of being an adolescent..... What happened to all those close friends that I had? They're still around. We still say hello to each other when we meet in the streets. Exchanging a few words of formalities and cellphone numbers. Were the bonds so weak that they could not stand the test of time? Was any of it real in the first place? Because right now? It seems almost a fantasy that I've even lived through that 4 years of secondary education.

Later that night, I went for a preview of 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. I went time travelling again. I went further back this time. I'm back in primary school.... I read 'Charlie' around primary 3 or 4. I felt the cold and my tummy rumbling when I 'walked' to school with Charlie. I could smell the chocolate fumes tantalising my nostrils whenever 'we' walked passed Mr. Wonka's factory gates. I was squealing in delight when Charlie found some money in the gutter. (Ok...I didn't exactly squeal...more like a yelp).

Things were very much different before I went to secondary school. I played with girls more than I played with boys. No no, I'm not like most boys at that age. I didn't think girls were disgusting or nauseating. Girls smell way better than boys did and are a whole lot neater too. They're smarter and I always had a knack for being close to people with intelligence. Occasionally I do like letting go and grovel in the mud like pigs with the boys. Surprisingly, the boys never taunted me for hanging around the girls. Not that the boys were very 'macho' at that age too...

I want to be a kid again....

Chao Sergeant...

Today went for a dental check up and got my teeth polished instead. The process was painful and left tears streaming down without me knowing it. I grabbed the chair, tensed up every single muscle and shut my eyes real tight. I had half a mind to grab the overhead lamp and smash it right into the dentist's head while vulgarities spew forth from my bloodied mouth. The sane part of me decided otherwise.

As I sat outside the orthodontist's clinic later, with the constant taste of iron on my tongue, I wondered why I didn't feel this kind of pain at the dentist's when I was younger. While looking at the posters and licking the thick red liquid, the answer came to me like the 3 tonner that I rammed my head with a couple of years ago. I haven't been brushing as often and as thorough as I did when I was schooling. My standard for personal hygiene now is horrendous...or rather the tolerance of not having any is getting higher...

(Warning: Do not proceed if you don't have the stomach for details of bowel movements)

The turning point for me should be when I had to relieve myself in the jungle... After postponing it for 3 days, I really couldn't hold it in anymore. I had to go!!! I walked into the covered area and chose a nice dug hole that doesn't look as disgusting as the others. Squatting there and balancing my weapon while letting it all go. I realised I had to drop all notions of civilised etiquette from then on if I were to survive in one piece. There was no other choices... squatting with your pants down in the open while hearing someone else's wastes splatter (si piak, piak....) can cause a dramatic change. After that, the thought of not showering for days just doesn't seem to matter anymore. KANINA!! who the hell would actually think about brushing teeth and flossing!?

So from a chao recruit, I became a chao private (not chao privates hor you pu bor you) then a chao corporal and eventually a chao sergeant.

(*Author has been admitted into rehab to return into a civilised person when he's not wearing green...)