A man's gotta do what a man gotta do.

First off, I'd like to apologise to Carolyn for being the prick that I am. I'd already hurt her with some stupid comments I made in her car and I had to go on to mention it in my blog. That makes me a neighbour to the prick...an asshole.

Secondly I'd like to explain our behaviour in the car. Adrian and me have this kind of relationship that we can crap about everything to each other truthfully. I've even kinda insulted Erin in front of him before. So we ended up saying dumb f*ck things to each other while being oblivious to the people around us.

As much as part of me wants to retaliate, the stronger side of me knows that I'm in the wrong. I started everything . I rubbed salt into the wound. By writing anymore stuff about the incident would greatly endanger our friendship. I wouldn't want that. In fact I treasure our friendship (though its only been a few months) and really cherish you as a friend. So here's what I'm left with to say.....

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Masks and Immortality

Time now is 0439hrs 290405, still can't sleep. Finally finished a hellish week with my platoon. Work came up to my nostrils. Heard from Carol that Kally learnt about my blog and read it. Her first comments?

" Its quite deep"

So does that mean that I appear as a shallow kind of guy to her? Not that it matters anyway. I wear a different 'mask' in front of different persons. The more you know me, the more variations of my 'masks' will be revealed to you. Mostly, I like to be quiet and be on my own. That's the first 'mask' most people will see. Most would think I'm dao and unsociable. Hell, even my god sister once thought of me as an obnoxious pig that she hoped she wouldn't have to interact with.

Quoted from 'SHREK' ,:"Orges are like onions, we have layers."
I think most of us are like that. We present ourselves differently to what is acceptable to different situations and people. Only the non conformists are most at ease with themselves in this society.

Speaking about society, I remember reading off Carol's blog about her helping this elderly man in Orchard Road get back home when no one else paid any attention to him. She was kinda turned off that no one was willing to sacrifice a little of their time to help a feeble old man. I've got a couple of thoughts about this. At first I was thinking, most people don't seem to sympathise with the eldery simply because youth is still with them. They have no idea how difficult life can be once time catches up. Perhaps they have an obscure belief that immortality is an attainable goal and time will always be on their side. I remember reading somewhere " Youth - is wasted on the young". How very true... The young are naive and squander most of their youths on the lesser important things in life because there is plenty of time for them. When the wretched 'disease' we call 'ageing' manifests itself upon the young, they realised too late that they're mere mortals and time was never on their side.

This brought me to a new consideration. Perhaps, people do realise that their mortality is limited. Time is a luxury that they were never entitled to enjoy. Seize the day! Grab every opportunity! Don't waste YOUR precious time helping an useless old fool. His time has gone and his 'expiry date' is probably around the corner. There is no need to spend time on someone who may cease to exist at any given moment. Let us get on with our lives.....

A little far fetched I supposed but it isn't very far from the truth. The fact that the human spirit can choose to be selfish, allowing our very souls to sink into the abyss of the corruption of mankind, is undeniable. The devil is gleefully waiting in the depths of purgatory, rubbing his three pronged fork in anticipation...

Thinking of 'home' is making me feel sleepy. That's it for the night. I'll be back again in 24hrs.

Where have all the good men gone?

I was reading Ivry's blog today and she was griping about how its so difficult to find her ideal guy. That got me thinking about relationships. Is it really so hard to find true love?

I don't want to go through all the hassles of explaining how difficult it can be to find your ideal partner. You people know it is. Yet inside all of us, we still yearn to find someone to love and love us in return. Its a vicious cycle I tell you. You find the person you like, he or she likes somebody else. Somebody else likes you but you are simply not interested enough.

I can go on rambling the whole night about how illusional love can be. I've gotten away from that. All I look for is commitment. Unfortunately, you can't judge whether someone has commitment in a relationship until its over. That's why the way I behave in a relationship is so much different from when I was younger. I used to put all my eggs in one basket. Throwing everything I have into the relationship only to get stabbed in my heart with a blunt and dirty dagger. Why blunt and dirty you ask? Its almost impossible to stop bleeding from a wound created by a blunt blade. And with bacteria from the dirt infecting your wound, you can be damn sure that there's going to be a ugly scar. So it hurts like hell when you're heartbroken and you'll remember the pain when you touch the scar.

My friends used to think that I was not really in love with my last girlfriend. I wasn't as sweet as I used to be. In fact I appeared nonchalant in my last relationship. I was deeply misunderstood. I didn't want to put too much into the relationship at the start. Why does everything need to start with a big bang? What happens after that? Should you allow things to get boring? No, I was trying to reverse the process. Start off slow and easy, getting more intense gradually.

Unfortunately, the relationship lasted for barely a year. She told me she'd be happier if the relationship ended. I had to let her go. Though sad but I didn't have the deep stabbing pain in my heart like I used to. Perhaps its easily to let go of her knowing that she'll be happier without me.

(To be continued...)

I'll update more when I feel like it

The past week has been weird. For no ryhme or reason, my heart started having aches again. No...I'm not talking about a heart attack. I'm talking about those kind of pain that you feel when you're heartbroken or utterly disappointed or extremely sad. The kind that tugs at the veins connecting to your heart and makes it feel heavier than usual. I hate this feeling. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and willing to give up my life force at any given moment. I thought I've forgotten the sensation of a bleeding heart...I was wrong.

Crash Landing

Its been two weeks since I've been back in Singapore. One day after my plane landed, I'm back at work. Things have gone so hectic, I'm gasping for air. I sleep late and wake up early. Its like I've forgotten how demanding my job is fter the 2 weeks in Australia.

There's so much on my mind lately that I feel like pulling out my hair in frustration and screaming until my lungs implode. Istill have not gotten back to talking terms with my kid brother....I don't what o do. Part of me wants to forgive and forget but the other side of me refuses to give in. Thinking about my relationship with my brother has led me to think about my family. I realised that I'm not close to my family members at all. I seldom have much things to say to my parents or siblings. In fact, only my kid brother knows about my trip to Australia. My parents were totally in the dark. I couldn't find the reason that I need to inform them. Perhaps I've grown accustomed to being in charge of my own life for far too long. Sometimes I wonder if it would actually be better if I had a sister instead of a brother. Seems that brothers can be close when they were young but drift apart as time goes by. My family doesn't feel like a home at times... every individual functions on his or her own like an independent unit. I hope in the future my kids go through what I've experienced.

Speaking about the future, I'm getting more and more uncertain whether I want to go to Australia to further my studies. Sure, I want to get my masters but am I willing to put in te effort for it? There's so much I need to do to study overseas. And I'll be approaching 30 when I come back with a master degree. AND I need to finish the remaining 5 years of my contract. That will bring me to 35... Then there's marriage and kids.....I'm getting a headache just thinking about this...

Looks like I have to sign off here. I have to get back to camp to my troublesome platoon. More informaion about them the next time I blog.