Melancholia

I've not been able to sleep well for the past two days. Probably only managed to clock 2-3 hours of sleep over the last 50hours. I've become a walking zombie, I don't want to care about what's happening around me. I barely talkto people unless neccessary. I don't want to talk to them, I don't know what to say to them. I've learnt tolock so much inside of me that I don't even know what is underneath anymore. I want to scream out, tear and slash at whatever stands before me. I can't do them because I still very much have control over myself. I'm not a raving lunatic as yet.I don't know how long more I'll last. Its getting harder and harder to concentrate in my work. I want to go back to my room and cry shamelessly to myself. I need salvation. I want to be brave and continue standing on my two feet but I'm losing my strength and my vision is getting blur. Every heatbeat takes effort. My blood thickens, making the heart heavier and labour harder. I'm on the verge of tearing out the beating muscle and squash it with my bare hands. I supposed I'm filled to the brim but not quite overflowing. I bought a pack of cigarettes but I'm not smoking them. I need my good friend now but I've already abandoned him for so long. I doubt that he'll be able to satisfy me anymore. It'll be worse if I go back... I'll sink into depression knowing that I'm chaining myself back to him after having regained my freedom. I want to slash my flesh to see if my body is really as numb as it feels. I won't do it because I know its dumb. Ignore me because I don't want you to be affected or even infected by me. DON't ignore me, I need attention more desperately than ever before. I want to scream expel the putrid air in my lungs until I turn blue and drop dead from suffocation. I don't want to die but life seems so fragile right now. I don't know what I'm thinking, my mind is a mess. I need a rest. I'm tired........................................................................................................